:: last month of the year ::

its december already and i was reviewing this year of my life in my room. it was then that i noticed my acjc year book lying on the table. out of curiousity, i picked it up and started flipping through it. it brought me past the achievements section as well as the principal's honour roll. it then started to dawn on me, that ever since i started secondary school in secondary one, i sought to live my life with no regrets. sad to say, as i was browsing through that section, i felt stab after stab of regrets that ought not to be there. it got so bad that i started telling myself, if i had a choice, i would never have gone to acjc.

but then again, i was thinking, why blame the school. when i was in acjc, i was living in the past, living in the glorious times and the carefree moments of SJI that i neglected to live in the present. thus i had never put my heart and soul into any of the cca that i was involved in. in chinese drama, i was so used to the teacher's trust and freedom in me in sji that i forgot that i had to work to gain the trust all over again. thus this led to alot of friction between us and i could certainly say that neither the teacher nor i could stand each other.

in shooting, i was so preoccupied with my other commitments that i was multi tasking, thus i could not attain the level that i was supposed to be at. even now, as i glance back, i could easily outshine any of the shooters in acjc. but why do i even give them a chance to surpass me. looking at my scores now as i shoot at safra yishun, i felt wave after wave of regret, something that i am unable to let go.

the class was another issue. the teacher, i felt, was never there for us. never protecting us, never gelling us together. thus many of the problems surfaced and cracked the unity of the class. without a class looking out for each other, it certainly posed many problems in school, especially in terms of academic areas where study groups was very vital. it was really God's blessing that i managed to get decent grades and be accepted into a prestigeous course in NUS.

finally, i asked myself, why even though SJI provided a more holistic education, it was less 'glamourous' than acjc? one fine day, i told myself, i would ensure that SJI has the same attraction, if not more, as acjc. that way, more lifes would be touched and changed for the better.

:: gd bye mr lui ::

mr lui has been the principal who impacted my life the most.

i still remember the first time i met him, he was at the performing arts centre(PAC) giving the sec one innaugration talk. he struck me as someone who knows his stuff, and thus assured me that SJI is a school worth being in. i got to know him better while i was doing my morning assembly duties. he often shows care and concern, taking time to ask after his prefects despite his busy schedule. it is this human touch that i see lacking in other principals and this sets him apart. even after being graduated for some time, he still remembers his students when we come back and visit.

under him, SJI also underwent lots of changes in curriculum, many which are advantageous to the students. hence, current and future josephians have reaped the benefits and grown in person and in character. SJI was also an ideal place for any and every singaporean boy to have his secondary school education. it would be SJI's loss that he is stepping down as principal.

:: random ::

omg, its been almost a year since i last blogged. so many things have came and gone, im now into my ninth month of the armystint. after passing through bmt and sispec, im now at 3SIR as an artillery specialist. life does have its ups and downs. i cant wait to ord. now that i am in the army, i can see why people say studying life is the best life you could every prob have. the life is alot simpler and you do not have to worry about any resposibilities nor do you have to deal with incapable people! also, my brain has started to dsyfunction and i realise i cannot remember alot of my academic stuff! i really got to give some tuition lessons to keep my brain working! haha..

recently i took up driving lessons. i just passed my basic theory test not too long ago and now starting on my practical lessons. im really excited about it as it could be my ticket way out of the long tiring train journeys across the island country every saturday! haha.. i know i m a lazy spoilt brat.. sue me! haha...

:: birthday ::

as the title says it, this blog is going to be about my birthday that jsut passed. its been two days already and presents are still streaming in. i really want to thank those people who has made this day so special for me.

not that im materialistic or anything, but lets start with the presents. i got a really funky looking watch from the cell group, chosen by none other than shaun chua! it came just in time as i dropped by watch during orientation in ACJC and the watch face cracked. its a really cool watch with a black strap and can match any of my clothes easily. :D

following that came a shirt, by shirleen, shaun, jo, andy and eva. its a polo shirt from springfield. heard its an up and coming brand but have not really seen the shirts before. the polo was quite a slim fit with sleeves that emphasized on the training that the army has put me through. shall try it on next week! :D

also, many thanks to my dear bro kahang who bought me 'sound blocker' earphones. told him many weeks back about it but didnt really put any thought to it. so i was really touched that he remembered and took the trouble to buy it even though he is in the army now!

jo and andy also did a really awesome card for me. many thanks to them who took time off their busy schedule to decorate the card and get it done for me! :D

after the presents, they sneakily set up the place while i was choosing food with kahang. haha.. they brought me to the jap restaurant at the bottom of cathay building and its a kind of self service style. haha... so it was quite a pleasant surprise when i came back and found that the present Manying gave me was really cakes and muffins and tarts. haha... after the celebrations, we spend quality time together as a cell group.

today, laraine and ruoya gave me a NUM shirt! haha... its super bright red in colour and the words on it are so totally AA! haha... need to consider quite a while before i think i will try it on. :D

:: orientation 08 ::

went crashing orientation for the past few days in ac! thanks to jianda for allowing me to crash! haha... met loads of fantastic new friends! haha... such as jeremy, lynette, and royston to name a few! haha... now got ppl to go crazy with! haha... last time, my friends always quite serious one... want to go crazy also no one to find! haha...

playing with this group of people, i feel really happy, in the sense that there is no restriction, no limit to how i can behave and stuff... and i feel that this group of people is really special, in the sense that they are not like any other. although they are my younger sister's age, they are completely different from how my sister's friends behave, and they are totally warm and cool! haha... what an irony! haha... but thats the way it is! haha...

when i see them look up to me, its a feeling that i have not felt for very long! when i told eva that i lost the feeling that i had in my secondary school, that is the feeling that i had, that my friends look up to me, that i have a special group of people whom i can call friends and have a good time with. when this feeling came back to me, i could almost feel a different me, one that has a spring in every step, one that makes me feel younger, one that feels that the world is indeed a better place to live in!

lets hope this feeling lasts, and i can keep counting on this group of buddies!

:: korea ::

woops, two months never post now december already! haha... im super happy cos christmas is my favourite season of the year! :D:D:D haha..

now the A's are over already! thank God! haha... it really is the most depressing exam i have taken so far man! now preparing for the army

before that, i wanna rest and relax first, so my family and i went for a trip to korea. i will spare much of the details so if you want to see the pictures or know more, msg me yeah! :D

i think the korean way of life is very much my style, as in like the keep their traditions while moving forward. i think that korea is progressing very much faster than singapore, in the sense of fashion and economy. their fashion there is super good! haha... i also went to dongdaemoon (a shopping centre) and bought quite a fair bit of things. i was just wishing how nice it would be if singapore has a shopping centre like that. cos the shops are seperated into guys and girls by levels. and the guys apparel has alot of things that suit young men! in terms of formal and nonformal clothing, accessories etc. it is unlike bugis street where everthing is girls clothes and suddenly in one desolated corner is a guy's shop.

i also went skiing for the first time in my life! haha... it was exhiliarting. after one hour, i could try the normal slopes instead of being stuck at the beginner's slopes... it is really a different experience! :D snow is so pretty! haha... as i went up the mountain top, we went along a portion where no people has gone before, and the scenery was so pristine! haha... totally loved it! :D

yeps, i think those two were the highlights of the trip. oh and not to mention the hot springs too! hot springing in the winter outdoors is really shiok i tell you! haha... hot body, cold face... you can nvr get that in singapore! haha... (and i heard its good for the skin too! :D) haha...

i do encourage you guys to go! :D

:: boy in the picture ::

its one month since i last blogged! its a long long time man! im now staring at a photo of me when i m was two years old. i can hardly recognize the boy inside man! his eyes are full of laughter and his smile is so radiant. he looks so jubilant as he rides on his toy car amogst his guest as his parents are off to the hospital to give birth to his sister that he is so close to now. how is he to know that in sixteen years time, he would face such towering obstacles and trials in life that is driving him almost to insanity. i wish i could be like the boy in the picture again.

as life passes by, the little boy grew up and God gave him a younger brother when he was seven. not knowing if it was a blessing or a curse, the boy went to check the new addition in the family to satisfy his curiosity. little did he know that he would be condemmed to a life of misery as he began to shoulder the chores of looking after the younger sibling and being responsible for him. not that he was complaining. just that sometimes, he would like some acknowledgement for all his efforts. instead, his parents, especially his dad, tends to show favouritism towards his younger sibling. many a times, they would tell the older brother that they love each and everyone equally. but in actual fact, love is felt through action, not words. at each quarrel between the two of them, the parents would always tend to side the younger sibling as they felt that he was more vulnerable than his older brother. but they are forgetting that the older brother is just as much as a child as the younger brother was.

time after time after time after time. the young boy in the picture was often hurt by the comments of his mum, by the rejection of his dad. soon, he learnt to build an emotional wall around himself to protect himself. at first, it was a low bunker. then it became a stilt. soon, it grew to become a wall. the walls slowly lengthen and rose in height to become a fortress. now barracaded within, he learnt to remain emotionless when the tides turn against him. though the waves of fury never seem to reach him, deep within the fortress, the boy still stings from the fiery words from his dad. it seems like no matter how hard he tries, how brillant he is or how outstanding he becomes, his little brother will always be the apple of his parents eyes. yet his parents tell him not to be so jealous and to look after his brother with love. how, then, is he supposed to look after a creature which bites the hand who feeds him? only with gloves as protection and a heart that is very unwilling. yet for the love of his awesome God he presses on, not knowing where he is supposed to go but believeing that God will guide him to greener pastures. as the bible often says, "for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." thus, in Him he trusts.

now as the A level approaches, the boy in the picture feels the strain even more. as the mountains of pressure from the academic work threatens to crush the tiny little boy, he looks to the Lord in faith, keeping the Lord's words by his heart as he seeks refuge in the Lord. it seems, that it is true, that the Lord will never leave him nor forsake him. though the world may fall, the little boy will never let Him go. with the faith of a little child, the boy in the picture looks towards the giants that threaten to crush him in the eye and he is not afraid. for if the Lord is for him, then who can be against him?

i love that little boy in the picture. may God bless him forever more! :P

:: will you still love God ::

recently i watched this movie " Facing the Giants". i think its quite an old movie, but the movie is super good! would encourage everyone to watch. seriously. this is the first time i give standng ovation to a movie. so should go and watch.



just a quick summary, the movie speaks about this american football (rugby) coach who tries to turn a team around with his own strength and fails to the extend that he almost get kicked out of the sch. then he turns to God and places his trust in Him and God's blessings overflows so much that even his barren wife gets pregnant. its a really touching show.

spoiler alert! im going to discuss the movie..

there are three parts that touched me the most. firstly, about the barren wife part. in this day and age, i believe that its still a shameful thing if you do not have any decendents. not only to shed some joy and life into this world, but also to complete the family and to truly experience what life on earth is about. after many successive tries, the wife still cannot get pregnant. then when they do the quiet time in the morning one day, the husband asked the wife, if God does not give us any children, would you still love Him? then due to a mix up in the lab, the wife is led to believe that she is not pregnant. i found it esp touching when she leans on her car, and prays, i will still love you. although God might not give us what we want, we should still love Him as His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, His ways are higher than our ways. it maybe something that you really want, but in the end, your love for God should be stronger than anything on this earth, and do remember to thank Him in all circumstances.

secondly, the coach uses a bible verse to get a guy to kick the ball straight through the goal post. the coach says " you are kicking either wide left or wide right. anyone can kick wide left or wide right. but the road to salvation is straight and narrow. you and i need to take this straight and narrow path." the road to God's kingdom might not be an easy one, filled with trials and obstacles, it may even make you stumble and fall. but at the end of the day, the road that leads "wide left or wide right" is easy to travel, but it leads to destruction. no matter how many times you stumble and fall, you still have to pick yourself up and carry on along that road. that is what distinguishes christians from the rest of the world. have a faith the size of a mustard seed.

also, this boy-in-question's father, he is a handicapped. the son did not believe that he can do it and thus said, if i cannot even kick it straight, why bother trying. the father then rebuked him, i cannot walk, but is it a reason to stay at home and mope about? later on in the movie, when the son was about to try kicking the ball 51 yards across the field into the post, he felt that he couldnt do it. but the father then did smt to convince him. the father struggled to stand up on his own two feet, and held up his hands as if in prayer to show the son that nothing is impossible with my God. many a times, we have made God too small in our eyes. often saying that it is impossible and that it cannot be done. but hey, think again.. our God is the same yesterday, today and forever. if God could create the universe at his voice, breathe life into existance, what is still impossible with God?

thus, when we face difficulties and we feel that God is just not there for us, we must always remember his promise to us. his promise that he will always walk by our side. after all, when we became christians and gave our life to God once again, he did not promise us to have a smooth sailing life or that life would be a bed of roses. instead, he promised that he would be with us through thick and thin, and that he would not let us be tried beyond what we can bear. relevation 3:7 says ""To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth. I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name."

Great is our God and worthy to be praised!

:: moody ::

today is jesmond's birthday! before i get anywhere, let me first wish him happy birthday, and reassure him that my moodiness has nothing whatsoever to do with him.. yups...

today the results for the honours nite have been released. although everyone got outstanding service, im not exactly pleased. this is as some people do not know how to differentiate between work and personal feelings, and is too immature to handle things and should just go home and sleep. but nonetheless, congrats to those who got the outstanding service, i hope you really worked for it and deserve it. :)

after that, i went back to sji... the warmth of the teachers smile and concern melted my hardened heart totally. it brought back memories and joy in which i had spent the four years of my life. but then, upon seeing a minority of the teachers also brought about pain and agony. i started to rmb all the unjustice and terror that i experienced at their hands, and felt a great contrast to what i was feeling before. its like two tidal waves of different emotions hit me in full force, bringing me in different directions and attempting to tear me apart. just as i was the most vexed, i met brother michael, who told me" the year is not screwed, i just havnt found the right path of where God wants me to go yet". the hug he gave me just unleashed the struggles i have within, as if everything was going to be alright and that he was giving me courage to face the future challenges. after all, we have to go through all the challenges ourselves, and others can only stand by us to guide and inspire us. and im immensely grateful for that. the kindness that the teachers at sji have shown would indeed last me a lifetime. so here is to wishing all the teachers back at sji a wonderful and unforgettable teacher's day! you guys would forever be the king/queen of my heart!

after that, i met hengbin and the jc cell group to watch movies... we watched borne identity which was a really great movie. you guys should go and catch it! but as i was watching the movie, i started to think about hengbin who was sitting beside me. after that, i was sharing with jo that everytime i hear hengbin talk about buddhist fellowship or see him, i would feel super guilty, as if i wasnt doing enough to bring him to God's glory. that is one big challenge that i have yet to overcome.

following that, we went to jesmond's birthday. while we were fellowshipping over dinner, i just feel like i was invisible, and quite emo. its like, the jc ppl would talk to the jc side. the working adults would talk to the working adults side. and i felt trapped in the middle, not knowing which group i should join. it is so hard to break into either circle, although there is conscious effort on both sides to try to interact, but i always feel that there is this invisible thick wall which is so high that i cant climb over, so thick i cant penetrate and so strong i cant break it down. this wall, it is as if is meant to protect me, but actually im a prisoner trapped within it. each time we fellowship, i can "see" the other person and they can "see" me. but we are just not connecting! i really do not know what to do!

is it singapore's social circle in that it is so hard to penetrate and be part of it? yet it is so fragile that without the constant nurturing and dedication it would just break apart? it maybe true tat the brightest smiles hide the darkest sorrows. everytime i think about it, i just feel so frustrated. i want a soulmate, but none can afford to be my "zhi ying". partially also cos it takes alot to gain my trust completely. but yet when ppl do, they are often to busy themselves to help others. so at the end of the day, its me by myself, facing my own sorrows, in my own strength. i do not want a lamp post which can offer a bit of advice or to shine the road along the way, only to leave me when i progress. what i really want/need is a lantern, who can walk with me side by side and share the ups and downs of life. who can understand me, listen to me, help me with my struggles/challenges, someone who i look up to, take care of me and be my soulmate always. has these kind of people gone the way of the dinosaurs? i thought i have found this in n354, but it looks as if i cant pentrate it yet again. or is it too early to tell?

im really weary of life, tired, drained and mentally blocked. i need a rest. can someone help me?

:: prelims ::

nowadays, prelims have become the new foul language. everyone is abstaining from mentioning it to avoid unnecessary stress to both themselves and others. and now that there is only one week left to prelims, i m so totally stressed out and freaked out! its like, i kinda need a break here! i cant breathe! help!

despite that, we still have to make time for God, and give to Him what is due. as the pastor preached yesterday, what is precious to us is also precious to God. now, as a student, all i have to myself is nothing but my time. hence, i would want to give back to him abit of my time as an offering of appreciation. yesterday's Festival of Praise was really awesome! for those that didnt go, you guys duno what you have missed man. i think im beginning to take to don moen and his songs. as in like his songs really reflect what i want to say to God. an since they are more or less quite presbyterian like, as in they are slow, you can really take your time to think thru and mean them when you sing them as a form of praise and worship. and yesterday's fop really brought me into a whole new level of intimacy with God. its just so wonderful to worship God.

besides that, im really stressed for my prelims. its like i m still so unprepared for it! esp for maths and econs. i can almost declare a state of emergency now. anyone pls help?! im really desperate now!